I don’t think it’s entirely coincidental that I decided to write a book on loneliness during a period in my life in which I keep trying and failing and trying and failing to become a parent. The experience of infertility is lonely in all sorts of ways: there’s the weird silence around sex and reproduction; there’s the constant dehumanization of the healthcare system; there’s the feeling that you’re missing out on some fundamental human experience for reasons you and your doctors don’t really understand and can’t totally control despite the apparent promises of reproductive technology; and there’s the regular experience of being on the outside of the conversation when your friends start discussing daycare logistics. I’ve never longed to talk about daycare but still, somehow, it stings.
Hi Mandy, I took your memoir class at UBC many moons ago and love your work. I personally dealt with secondary infertility for a few years, but I am very fortunate that we managed to have 2 kids. I really relate with your post, and I am sorry that you are dealing with this and it is turning out this way. I wondered if you had heard of a friend's graphic novel about her grueling journey to motherhood - its messy, raw and very intimate - not everyone's cup of tea, but I thought I would pass it along. Your keen eye on this is really quite satisfying to read - I will check out the alternatives to the nuclear family link suggested. Family life and motherhood are indeed very fraught even when they are hard won. https://www.cataloguebabynovel.com/
Infertility (and early motherhood ) brought about so much angst but the isolation was the very worst bit. I’ve been there and I hope that one day, this feeling is a distant memory. Best wishes.
Thank you so much for this essay, Mandy. I can't imagine the challenge of living through infertility, and then the added difficulty of writing about it. And yet I feel grateful to you for having shared here. As a stay-at-home dad, I feel like I'm slowly moving from thinking mainly about my challenges in a self-absorbed way, to trying to think outward, about the childcare challenges put upon women for ages, and yet your essay showed me that I often forget what a damn lucky turn of biology it was that my wife and I were able to have kids by birth in the first place. That silence around reproduction is still so thick. Anyway, thank you again.
I can relate to this on so many levels, thank you for being vulnerable, it's hard! I have been thinking a lot about how to live outside the box with a like-minded community of folks who are kind and thoughtful but making a leap is scary, and in the midst of a pandemic, it seems near impossible.
I'm really glad I stumbled upon your project. I look forward to reading your newsletters.
The inherent isolation of the American Dream
This essay is SO GOOD. I can relate to it in many ways. Thank you, Mandy, for taking the time and for taking the risk of being vulnerable and honest.
Hi Mandy, I took your memoir class at UBC many moons ago and love your work. I personally dealt with secondary infertility for a few years, but I am very fortunate that we managed to have 2 kids. I really relate with your post, and I am sorry that you are dealing with this and it is turning out this way. I wondered if you had heard of a friend's graphic novel about her grueling journey to motherhood - its messy, raw and very intimate - not everyone's cup of tea, but I thought I would pass it along. Your keen eye on this is really quite satisfying to read - I will check out the alternatives to the nuclear family link suggested. Family life and motherhood are indeed very fraught even when they are hard won. https://www.cataloguebabynovel.com/
Infertility (and early motherhood ) brought about so much angst but the isolation was the very worst bit. I’ve been there and I hope that one day, this feeling is a distant memory. Best wishes.
Thank you so much for this essay, Mandy. I can't imagine the challenge of living through infertility, and then the added difficulty of writing about it. And yet I feel grateful to you for having shared here. As a stay-at-home dad, I feel like I'm slowly moving from thinking mainly about my challenges in a self-absorbed way, to trying to think outward, about the childcare challenges put upon women for ages, and yet your essay showed me that I often forget what a damn lucky turn of biology it was that my wife and I were able to have kids by birth in the first place. That silence around reproduction is still so thick. Anyway, thank you again.
All my best from Chicago,
J.
I can relate to this on so many levels, thank you for being vulnerable, it's hard! I have been thinking a lot about how to live outside the box with a like-minded community of folks who are kind and thoughtful but making a leap is scary, and in the midst of a pandemic, it seems near impossible.
I'm really glad I stumbled upon your project. I look forward to reading your newsletters.