I've had this saved in my email forever because I knew (once I finally got a chance to read it) that it would be exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. I, too, feared so much being destroyed. And I was. But I found I actually didn't mind the destruction--as you quote, that other self was a fiction anyhow. Like you, even though I sometimes long for ease again, I think it will be a lifelong project of finding a new self. But isn't that always the project, anyway? xo
This essay was like church to my own writer-mother soul. Thank you for writing exactly what I needed to hear -- a reminder that I'm not failing at being a writer, just still continually figuring out (after 6 years!) what it looks like alongside/within motherhood. Also - have you read Linea Nigra by Jazmina Barrera? She does what you propose, using the fragmentary nature of parenthood as the aesthetic structure to write about pregnancy and early motherhood.
I loved reading your essay Mandy, thanks for sharing it. It rings very true to my lived experience as a parent as well, and captured a lot of my own thoughts around craving some of my own space and clear thinking back. Many things definitely got easier though after the toddler phase, I hope that will be the case for you too. :)
Beautiful essay, Mandy. It reminds me of the book “Nightbitch” by Rachel Yoder. It perfectly captures the dichotomy of mothering while trying to create art. I highly recommend!
Thanks for writing. I always enjoy when your substack comes into my inbox. I never became a mother, but I am thinking about the fictional nature of my own past selves.
As the single mother of 17 year old twin boys and a 15 year old daughter, who has her own design business and is building her own house, I completely agree with your new thought process.
Life is all about the craziness between the brief moments of clean counters and clear floors.
Embrace that craziness and your new life will blossom. Probably not the way you always ‘dreamed’ of, but in a better way.
I have several orchid plants that have sat in the background as I lived my crazy life. None of them had bloomed even a single time in those 10 years and last year, one put out a glorious single stalk laden with pure white gorgeous flowers. I put it in the center of my kitchen island and appreciated it every day as the chaos swirled in and out of the room.
Embrace whatever comes. That’s my only advice after almost 20 years of unplanned joy filled events, laughter, heartbreaking tears, terrifying moments, fly-on-the-wall conversations, too many lonely times to recall, and unrestrained pride at seeing each of my children thriving as they become who they are. The realization that my life with my three babies is exactly what I dreamed of came very late for me, but it was worth every moment.
Good luck, Andrew what it’s worth I think you’re writing is deeply moving.
I've had this saved in my email forever because I knew (once I finally got a chance to read it) that it would be exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. I, too, feared so much being destroyed. And I was. But I found I actually didn't mind the destruction--as you quote, that other self was a fiction anyhow. Like you, even though I sometimes long for ease again, I think it will be a lifelong project of finding a new self. But isn't that always the project, anyway? xo
Thank you, Jill. It's such a project, isn't it? Figuring out how to be a creative person and a caregiver?
This essay was like church to my own writer-mother soul. Thank you for writing exactly what I needed to hear -- a reminder that I'm not failing at being a writer, just still continually figuring out (after 6 years!) what it looks like alongside/within motherhood. Also - have you read Linea Nigra by Jazmina Barrera? She does what you propose, using the fragmentary nature of parenthood as the aesthetic structure to write about pregnancy and early motherhood.
I haven't read Linea Nigra. Thanks for the recommendation, Katilin!
Loved this Mandy
I loved reading your essay Mandy, thanks for sharing it. It rings very true to my lived experience as a parent as well, and captured a lot of my own thoughts around craving some of my own space and clear thinking back. Many things definitely got easier though after the toddler phase, I hope that will be the case for you too. :)
Thank you, Reka. Things are already easier than they were. But still so much!
Beautiful essay, Mandy. It reminds me of the book “Nightbitch” by Rachel Yoder. It perfectly captures the dichotomy of mothering while trying to create art. I highly recommend!
Thank you, Tess. Nightbitch came out when my twins were tiny and I was too in the thick of it to read it then. But maybe I'm ready now!
Thanks for writing. I always enjoy when your substack comes into my inbox. I never became a mother, but I am thinking about the fictional nature of my own past selves.
Oh Mandy, you continue to annihilate me with your brilliance. What a beautiful essay to read with my coffee today. ❤️
I love this and I needed to read it today!
I love this and feel this so much, Mandy! ❤️❤️
As the single mother of 17 year old twin boys and a 15 year old daughter, who has her own design business and is building her own house, I completely agree with your new thought process.
Life is all about the craziness between the brief moments of clean counters and clear floors.
Embrace that craziness and your new life will blossom. Probably not the way you always ‘dreamed’ of, but in a better way.
I have several orchid plants that have sat in the background as I lived my crazy life. None of them had bloomed even a single time in those 10 years and last year, one put out a glorious single stalk laden with pure white gorgeous flowers. I put it in the center of my kitchen island and appreciated it every day as the chaos swirled in and out of the room.
Embrace whatever comes. That’s my only advice after almost 20 years of unplanned joy filled events, laughter, heartbreaking tears, terrifying moments, fly-on-the-wall conversations, too many lonely times to recall, and unrestrained pride at seeing each of my children thriving as they become who they are. The realization that my life with my three babies is exactly what I dreamed of came very late for me, but it was worth every moment.
Good luck, Andrew what it’s worth I think you’re writing is deeply moving.
Elizabeth
Thank you, Elizabeth. I can't imagine how you did it as a single parent--and with a third! I love this image of your blooming orchid!