Ah Mandy, this is me too! That experience you had with the song, that everyone was into but you—I had that multiple times in college, with big group meetings where everyone was sharing and emoting and connecting, and I was squirming and just wanted to escape. Looking back, I can see that was because I was not there yet, in terms of trusting a connection with others. (Also, as an introvert, I do a lot better with one-on-one or small-group connections. A large group is a big ask.) As I've gotten older, getting gradually over my defensive snark and finding more compassion and openness have been among the best changes in my life.
Interestingly, one way I've lately done that is by taking on editing work in addition to my writing. It's only a small sideways move between the two lines of work, but editing for others involves great vulnerability on the writer's part and thus compassion and kindness on the editor's, if it's going to be a pleasant work relationship. Having been a sensitive writer all these years myself, I find it easy to extend gentleness to the writers I edit, and it's been surprisingly rewarding work.
Oh wow, I relate to this SO MUCH. Thank you for sharing this, Mandy. I don't know if you've seen the TV show "Insecure" with Issa Rae, but throughout she has scenes where she will talk or rap to her reflection in the mirror, but her reflection talks back to "real Issa" and is a kind of alter-ego or "critical" side. Anyways, I recently started doing a version of this, basically splitting myself in two and talking to myself (stay with me) to help me see my defensiveness as a way to protect my real self—I know I am much more loving and patient somewhere in there!
And YES, the main goal, to quote you, is of course the most simple and profound and easy and hard thing to do: "I think I’m just gonna let it go."
This is such a great essay. Loved reading it and related 100%.
I know this is probably the opposite of how I should feel but I will say I think one of the best feelings in the world is when you're in that setting where everyone is taking a thing so seriously and earnestly and you make eye contact with the one other person who is clearly thinking "WTF" and you two acknowledge it together and have to do everything in your power to not laugh.
I have "Monsters" on my to read list! Glad to hear it's as good as it looked
I want to speak up for the Grinch in you. It goes something like this: ethical sensitivity and aesthetic sensitivity aren't totally orthogonal to one another but they also aren't exactly parallel. Some very good people have tin ears. And it can be awkward to respond with an aesthetic cringe to someone else's goodness but I don't know if it's always wrong to do so. I mean, you've got something badly wrong if you respond to someone's impassioned plea for justice with "you misplaced a modifier there." But that doesn't mean that you have to check your aesthetic sensitivity at the door just because everyone around you is virtuous and well-intentioned.
I don’t know if this means something or nothing, but as I was reading about Cindy Lou Who, the last track on The Pretty Reckless, “Death by Rock and Roll,” “Harley Darling” started playing. Taylor Momsen, the front voice of the band, played Cindy Lou Who in the Jim Carrey remake of “The Grinch.” The track was a love letter, about letting go her grief and rage on the death of their producer, Kato Khandwala.
I love this, Mandy. It’s profound to realize what we can choose to let go, and reading about your anger reminded me of the fear I keep breakup up with then returning to. “The heart of justice is truth telling, seeing the world the way it is rather than the way we want it to be” (bell hooks). It sounds like the folks in that circle were capable of witnessing both the joy and terror of life, and meeting it all with kindness. I do think literary culture might tend towards protective intellectualism, but I don’t think these capacities and being a writer are fundamentally incompatible. Thank you for sharing this reflection with us ❤️
Ah Mandy, this is me too! That experience you had with the song, that everyone was into but you—I had that multiple times in college, with big group meetings where everyone was sharing and emoting and connecting, and I was squirming and just wanted to escape. Looking back, I can see that was because I was not there yet, in terms of trusting a connection with others. (Also, as an introvert, I do a lot better with one-on-one or small-group connections. A large group is a big ask.) As I've gotten older, getting gradually over my defensive snark and finding more compassion and openness have been among the best changes in my life.
Interestingly, one way I've lately done that is by taking on editing work in addition to my writing. It's only a small sideways move between the two lines of work, but editing for others involves great vulnerability on the writer's part and thus compassion and kindness on the editor's, if it's going to be a pleasant work relationship. Having been a sensitive writer all these years myself, I find it easy to extend gentleness to the writers I edit, and it's been surprisingly rewarding work.
Oh wow, I relate to this SO MUCH. Thank you for sharing this, Mandy. I don't know if you've seen the TV show "Insecure" with Issa Rae, but throughout she has scenes where she will talk or rap to her reflection in the mirror, but her reflection talks back to "real Issa" and is a kind of alter-ego or "critical" side. Anyways, I recently started doing a version of this, basically splitting myself in two and talking to myself (stay with me) to help me see my defensiveness as a way to protect my real self—I know I am much more loving and patient somewhere in there!
And YES, the main goal, to quote you, is of course the most simple and profound and easy and hard thing to do: "I think I’m just gonna let it go."
This is such a great essay. Loved reading it and related 100%.
I know this is probably the opposite of how I should feel but I will say I think one of the best feelings in the world is when you're in that setting where everyone is taking a thing so seriously and earnestly and you make eye contact with the one other person who is clearly thinking "WTF" and you two acknowledge it together and have to do everything in your power to not laugh.
I have "Monsters" on my to read list! Glad to hear it's as good as it looked
Lot of fun memories with that shy kid! ❤️
I want to speak up for the Grinch in you. It goes something like this: ethical sensitivity and aesthetic sensitivity aren't totally orthogonal to one another but they also aren't exactly parallel. Some very good people have tin ears. And it can be awkward to respond with an aesthetic cringe to someone else's goodness but I don't know if it's always wrong to do so. I mean, you've got something badly wrong if you respond to someone's impassioned plea for justice with "you misplaced a modifier there." But that doesn't mean that you have to check your aesthetic sensitivity at the door just because everyone around you is virtuous and well-intentioned.
tl;dr: bah humbug
I loved this. May there be singing circles in your future.
I don’t know if this means something or nothing, but as I was reading about Cindy Lou Who, the last track on The Pretty Reckless, “Death by Rock and Roll,” “Harley Darling” started playing. Taylor Momsen, the front voice of the band, played Cindy Lou Who in the Jim Carrey remake of “The Grinch.” The track was a love letter, about letting go her grief and rage on the death of their producer, Kato Khandwala.
Weird timing, probably means nothing...
I love this, Mandy. It’s profound to realize what we can choose to let go, and reading about your anger reminded me of the fear I keep breakup up with then returning to. “The heart of justice is truth telling, seeing the world the way it is rather than the way we want it to be” (bell hooks). It sounds like the folks in that circle were capable of witnessing both the joy and terror of life, and meeting it all with kindness. I do think literary culture might tend towards protective intellectualism, but I don’t think these capacities and being a writer are fundamentally incompatible. Thank you for sharing this reflection with us ❤️