Yes! 11 months into parenthood and this really resonates for me. I am lucky to have a substantial amount of help from my mother-in-law, and I remember thinking that if I didn’t, I would have leaned on my friends more early on, which might have developed stronger ties between us and them, and them and my baby. But I didn’t need to, so I didn’t, and I think I potentially missed out on something. Now that I’m past the crisis-like feeling of brand new parenthood, I try to keep this all in mind when my friends ask if they can do anything to help when my kid gets sick, or I’m overwhelmed.
I love this, Mandy. Especially the idea that “a request for help is a step toward community.”
A related read, though focused more on domestic workers from marginalized communities abroad, is Megan K. Stack’s book Women’s Work: A Reckoning Wirh Work and Home. I highly recommend it, in part because Stack also grapples with her identity as a writer, and details her challenge of trying to complete a novel after having kids.
This ties into one of the terrible costs of aging. People say -- Here, let me do that -- and disable you from being part of the community of relationship. (Not happening to me yet but I have long observed it and have to stop myself from doing that.) So many years ago I had strong communities. A friend from that time noted just this week -- we don't help each other with the big chores any more. Not a balance sheet but a willingness. A trust in the connection, and those connections need the maintenance of paying attention, a heart sort of action. Some of the great reciprocal relationships also move on in time and we have to let them go.
I am looking to give a little on my superwoman identity but allowing in help creates a vulnerability that frightens me in my late seventies. Though I climbed down a rock chimney last Sunday I am not able to do everything I expect myself to do. Your article brings insight and suggests grace.
I adore this! I have always had difficulty asking for help, I think because my parents raised me to be a self-reliant only child. It made it very hard, almost unthinkable, to ask for help when I needed to leave an unsafe relationship. Thankfully as soon as I told my close friends that I was struggling, they offered the help I didn't know I needed: homes to stay in, adventures to plan together, surprise Venmo gifts so I could order delivery dinner. It was an eye-opening experience that has made me much more grateful and proactive about showing up for my loved ones.
I love this humble and honest wading into a difficult conversation for many parents. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I'm interested to hear more about your explorations into community here as you progress into motherhood. Voices like yours are needed for us tired and often overworked mamas.
Yes! 11 months into parenthood and this really resonates for me. I am lucky to have a substantial amount of help from my mother-in-law, and I remember thinking that if I didn’t, I would have leaned on my friends more early on, which might have developed stronger ties between us and them, and them and my baby. But I didn’t need to, so I didn’t, and I think I potentially missed out on something. Now that I’m past the crisis-like feeling of brand new parenthood, I try to keep this all in mind when my friends ask if they can do anything to help when my kid gets sick, or I’m overwhelmed.
I love this, Mandy. Especially the idea that “a request for help is a step toward community.”
A related read, though focused more on domestic workers from marginalized communities abroad, is Megan K. Stack’s book Women’s Work: A Reckoning Wirh Work and Home. I highly recommend it, in part because Stack also grapples with her identity as a writer, and details her challenge of trying to complete a novel after having kids.
Thanks, as always, for sharing your work!
This ties into one of the terrible costs of aging. People say -- Here, let me do that -- and disable you from being part of the community of relationship. (Not happening to me yet but I have long observed it and have to stop myself from doing that.) So many years ago I had strong communities. A friend from that time noted just this week -- we don't help each other with the big chores any more. Not a balance sheet but a willingness. A trust in the connection, and those connections need the maintenance of paying attention, a heart sort of action. Some of the great reciprocal relationships also move on in time and we have to let them go.
I am looking to give a little on my superwoman identity but allowing in help creates a vulnerability that frightens me in my late seventies. Though I climbed down a rock chimney last Sunday I am not able to do everything I expect myself to do. Your article brings insight and suggests grace.
I will have to check this out (when I have time to read again...). Thanks, Jason!
I adore this! I have always had difficulty asking for help, I think because my parents raised me to be a self-reliant only child. It made it very hard, almost unthinkable, to ask for help when I needed to leave an unsafe relationship. Thankfully as soon as I told my close friends that I was struggling, they offered the help I didn't know I needed: homes to stay in, adventures to plan together, surprise Venmo gifts so I could order delivery dinner. It was an eye-opening experience that has made me much more grateful and proactive about showing up for my loved ones.
I love this humble and honest wading into a difficult conversation for many parents. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I'm interested to hear more about your explorations into community here as you progress into motherhood. Voices like yours are needed for us tired and often overworked mamas.